This story is so loosely based on the original that it’s coming apart at the seams. The content has been changed to protect the memory and reputation of the Brothers Grimm. Enjoy!
The converted warehouse was dark and still, the only illumination coming from the twinkling lights of the city reflected on the water of the Thames below.
The silence was broken by the crash of the door as it rocked on its hinges. A shadowy figure filled the space the door had occupied moments before. The figure took two paces into the hallway, threw down a carry-on, coat and laptop, slammed the door closed, and sighed.
Trudging wearily down the hall and into the kitchen, the man wrenched open the door of the giant refrigerator, taking out a frosted green labelled bottle, which he carried into the lounge room.
Sinking into a large, soft leather chair, he popped the cap of the bottle, took a healthy swallow, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and groaned.
“Fuck me, I’m rooted!”
After another swig from the bottle, the man slowly began to relax. His eyelids grew heavy and slid shut, and the bottle slipped gently from his grasp, falling softly to the floor .
He was startled awake by the shrill ring of his phone. Swearing under his breath, he pushed himself up from the chair, and walked across to the desk.
“This better be important,” he snapped down the receiver.
“Tio! When did you get in, mi hermano?”
“Not long, Red. How ya going?”
“Great, great. Get the coffee on, I’m on my way.”
Before Terry could answer, he heard the dial tone in his ear as his partner hung up the phone. Fifteen minutes later the doorbell rang, and Dino the human dynamo came bounding into Terry’s apartment.
Looking around, he spotted the carry-on, which was now laying on the sofa, having been rescued from the hall.
“Not unpacked yet? Good, I’ve got a new job for us.”
“Fuck off, Dino. I’ve only just got back from the last one. I need a break. Do you know how hard it was getting Bo Peeps’ bloody sheep back for her this time? I’ve had it up to here, mate!”
“This one’s different. Tio, you’ll love it.”
“Listen, mate, if it’s that Muffett girl again, tell her for the last time I...DO...NOT…DO...SPIDERS!!”
Terry walked off to the kitchen and snagged himself another beer, chugging half of it down before returning to his friend.
“Listen, Tio. It’s not another boring bread and butter case. This is the genuine article. We have a hostage situation here, my friend.”
Dino animatedly described the case to him. Two hostages, being held deep in a forest. The initial contact had been made with the family, and here was the crunch: the victims were children, and the father had no money.
Terry had started to listen as soon as the magic word ‘hostage’ was mentioned, but when he said ‘children’, Dino noticed that glint in Terry’s eyes. He was hooked, and was already being reeled in. He was a sucker for women and children in trouble.
Forgetting his fatigue, Terry began checking his carry-on.
“Where are we going, and when?”
“Eastern Europe, and the flight leaves in five hours.”
The following day found them on the edge of the deep, dark forest, in the cottage of the local woodcutter, who was also the victims’ father. Introductions made, Dino asked the man to tell the story.
***************
Times were hard, and no-one was buying wood. The woodcutter could barely provide for his family, and the cupboards were almost bare. One night his wife told him she had a plan. They should take the children into the forest and leave them there. That way there would be enough food for her and him.
“Oh, wife. I cannot leave my babes in the wood where they will surely be eaten by the wild creatures!”
“Then you are a fool, Husband, and we shall all die of hunger in the end.”
All through the night she whined, moaned, and nagged at her husband, until finally, if only to get some rest, he agreed to her plans. Inside, his heart was breaking. Surely it would have been better to share what he had with his children: his son, called Hansel, and his younger daughter, called Gretel.
Unknown to the woodcutter and his wife, the children could not sleep, their little stomachs knotting in hunger having kept them awake. They heard their step-mother planning. They were afraid, and Gretel cried. Hansel placed his arm around his sister’s shoulder telling her that everything would be alright. He waited until their parents were asleep, put on his coat, and slipped out of the cottage. He stooped down to pick up the little white stones that lay around the cottage. In the moonlight, they shone like newly minted coins. He filled the pockets of his coat to bursting, went back inside, and went to sleep, holding his sister to comfort her.
The following morning, they were both giving a small chunk of bread for their dinner, and taken into the forest. Hansel dragged behind the entire time, secretly dropping the little white stones to mark their path. When they were deep in the forest they stopped. The woodcutter and his wife made a fire and told the children to stay close and keep warm. They would collect them on the way home when they finished their day’s work.
The children could hear the sound of their father’s axe close by so they were not afraid. They didn’t know that their step-mother had rigged a branch to hit a dead tree in the wind. They ate their bread at mid-day, and as the afternoon wore on, they became tired and fell asleep by the fire.
When they woke it was dark and quiet. Gretel was afraid and wept bitter tears. Hansel told her not to worry as everything would be alright when the moon came out. They waited, and as the moonlight shone through the trees, they saw the little white stones glittering like silver pennies, guiding them home.
It took them all night to walk home, and when they got to the cottage in the morning, their step-mother opened the door, shouting at them for staying out in the forest all night. Their father was overjoyed to have his babies back home again.
All was well for a while, but once again a dearth came on the land, and the woodcutter could not provide for his family. His wife told him they would have to repeat their plan, but this time they would take the children even deeper into the forest.
The children had been awake, and heard their step-mother and were afraid. This time, when Hansel went to the door to gather stones, it was locked and he couldn’t get out. He didn’t want to scare Gretel, so didn’t tell her, instead, he wrapped his arms round her to keep her safe and warm, and they both went to sleep.
In the morning, they were both given an even smaller chunk of bread for their dinner, and they set off. Hansel dragged behind again, this time dropping crumbs of bread that he crumbled in his pocket. They soon found themselves even deeper in the forest, deeper than they had ever been before. They stopped in front of the fire their father made for them, and were told to stay there until their parents returned.
At mid-day, Gretel shared her bread with her brother, and as the afternoon wore on, they fell asleep in front of the fire. When they awoke it was dark and still and Gretel was afraid. Hansel told her not to fear and to wait for the moon to rise. This time, the moonlight was no help to them at all, for the birds of the forest had flown down and eaten their trail of breadcrumbs. They were lost!
They wandered around getting deeper and deeper into the forest, each step taking them further away from home. They wandered for days, until their weary legs could hardly carry them, and their hunger made them feel weak. They had only managed to find a few berries growing near the ground, and that did little to ease the gnawing pains in their stomachs.
They stopped and grew still as they heard the sweetest sound. Looking around, they saw a pure white bird singing in the trees. They were enchanted, and when the bird flew off, the children followed it until they came to the edge of a clearing. The sun broke through the trees and shone on a little house in the centre of the clearing. It seemed to be made of gingerbread, sweets and icing.
Hunger overcame their fear, and they crept forward. They began breaking pieces off the house and eating them. They were so engrossed in their task, they didn’t hear the front door slowly open.
“Hello, my dears, why are you eating my house?”
The children were so afraid, they dropped what they were eating, and stood like two little rabbits caught in the headlights. Standing in front of them was a short, skinny woman wearing a tight t-shirt, flowing skirt and suede boots. She had wild brittle straw coloured hair, and blazing red eyes.
“You must be lost. Do not be afraid, little ones. I will not hurt you. My name is Alice, and you are welcome in my home. I shall keep you safe until your family find you.”
With a malevolent glint in her eye, she placed a hand on each child’s shoulder, and led them into the house, closing the door firmly behind them…..
***************
As the days passed, the woodcutter became more and more depressed. He missed his children so much, there was a hole in his heart where their love used to live. He finally told his wife he could stand it no longer. He was going to bring his children home from the forest, even if it meant them going hungry together.
His wife flew into a violent rage. She had gotten used to not having the little brats under her feet. Finally, she told her husband to choose… his children or her. The woodcutter said just five words to her…”Shut the door behind you.”
The last he saw of her was her back as she stormed off down the lane towards the town. Without another thought for her, the woodcutter headed off into the forest. He soon reached the point where they had left his children, but alas, there was no sign of them. He wandered around for hours, until he finally found the little house in the clearing. He knew who lived there, and was afraid.
***************
“So, I left her a message begging her to let me take my children home, but all I got was a list of demands.”
Terry had been quiet all through the woodcutters’ story. He looked him directly in the eye.
“You came to us for help, you know we’re the best. You know we aren’t cheap. You tell us you have no money, yet you expect us to help you for free. Tell me why.”
“I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed I let my wife put herself before my children. I’m ashamed I let her talk me into leaving them in the forest. I’m ashamed I was too afraid to try and get them back on my own. Had I the courage, I would lay down my life for my children. If you help me, I will be forever in your debt, and I will never, never let any harm come to my children again as long as I live.”
“Good answer, mate. Dino, we’re on.”
“Now all we have to do is work out how to make contact with a witch!”
“We’ll think of something, mate. Let’s get some sleep, make an early start in the morning.”
The following morning found Terry and Dino in the trees scoping out the gingerbread house. They could hear the children crying. Good sign, at least they hadn’t been eaten! Terry slipped from the cover of the trees and made his way to the front of the house. He placed a package by the front door, and edged away, returning to Dino in the trees. He picked up a stone, aimed, and threw it towards the door. It landed with a thwack against it.
“Who’s there?” called a voice from inside the house.
When there was no reply, Alice opened the door and peered out. She spotted the package, and took it inside. Opening it up, she found a note inside along with a two way. The note read:
We have been requested by the father of the children you have in your custody to set up a dialogue with you
in the hope that we can negotiate a mutually agreeable settlement for their safe return.
We will be in touch with you in four hours time. To operate the communication device, press the red button when you wish to speak with us.
Alice looked at the two way and cackled with glee.
“Well, my pretties, it looks like I will have some fun before I’m finished with you.”
Hansel-- who was locked in a cupboard at the back of the house-- called out for Gretel to tell him what was happening. Gretel could not answer him, she was weeping from fear.
Back at the cottage, Terry checked his watch--it was time to make contact. He picked up his two way and spoke.
“Hello, Alice, are you there? My name is Tio.”
For a moment there was silence, then the crackle of static could be heard around the room.
“What do you want, Tio?” she spat.
“Well, Alice. The question is, what do YOU want? What can we offer you for the safe release of those innocent little children?”
“INNOCENT!! Don’t make me laugh. They were spying on me, pretending to be poor lost little souls, and all the while they were plotting to take from me what is mine!”
“And what might that be, luv?”
“My treasure, what else? AND… DON’T…CALL… ME… LOVE!!”
“Okay, Alice. These children were lost in the forest-- they were frightened, cold and hungry. They meant you no harm.”
“They stole from me!! They ate my house. I want a chest of gold from you, nothing less, and it’s non negotiable!”
“Alice, be reasonable. Their father is a poor woodcutter. He has no gold. He has nothing to offer you, except, perhaps to help you repair the damage to your home.”
“NO!! I don’t need any help. I’m tired of being taken advantage of. First that Rumplestiltskin takes all my straw for his floozy to spin into gold, do I get anything in return? Do I heck as like! Then those pesky dwarfs running round under foot, all seven of them, taking my jewels and singing that bloody ‘hi ho’ song of theirs. I’ve had enough I tell you. I’m a witch. By all that’s evil I WILL HAVE SOME RESPECT!!”
“You already have our respect, Alice. We just don’t have any gold to offer you.”
“Well then, my pretty Tio, your precious children will never be lost or hungry again, for I have a nice, warm oven, and they will soon see the inside of it, and it will be the last thing they EVER see!!”
On hearing her threats, the woodcutter crumpled to the floor, his body shuddering as he wept.
“This isn’t going to work, Tio. She’s a witch for god’s sake, she doesn’t need any gold. She’s just stringing us along.”
“You’re right. Red. We’re gonna have to go in, got a plan?”
“Well, yeah… I could always eat my way through the house for ya.”
“Mate, you’re like a leprechaun on speed at the best of times, I don’t need you on a sugar high, “Terry replied, winking at Dino and punching him in the shoulder.
***************
Alice was busy trying to feed Hansel up. She much preferred her children with a bit of meat on their bones, and these two were so skinny. Like most witches, her eyes were a bit weak and she relied on her sense of smell to trap her human prey, so when she asked him to stick out his arm through the hole in the door to test it for meatiness, Hansel stuck out a stick he found, hoping it would give him more time to think of a way to get out.
“For all that sweet, sticky food I’m giving you, you’re still stick thin: I may have to eat you as you are and hope you’re not too stringy.”
Gretel heard what Alice said to her brother and cried.
“Shut up, girl, and take some wood from the pile by the front door over to the stove, and remember, you can’t escape for my magic will keep you here.”
Gretel took a small pile of wood from the door over to the stove. As she turned, she saw a red headed man kneeling by the woodpile. He placed his finger to his lips.
“Shhh!”
Gretel walked towards the man and stood looking at him.
“Don’t let the witch know I’m here, sweetie. My friend and I are going to get you and your brother home. Just be ready to help us. When I give you a signal, I want you to call out to Alice that you can’t open the door of the oven.”
“Okay,” Gretel said in a small voice.
Terry, meanwhile, was around the back of the house. With his trusty Leatherman, he began chipping away at the house wall to get to the cupboard where Hansel was prisoner. Before too long, he’d made a hole big enough to crawl through and had found Hansel cowering in the corner.
“Are you part of the witch’s magic?” he stammered.
“No, son. I’m for real. I’ve come to take you home,” replied Terry, reaching out his hand to the boy.
Terry led him around the back of the house and left him with Dino. He made his way back through the hole in the wall and managed to open the cupboard door and slip into the darkness of the house. He heard Alice call to Gretel to open up the oven door and climb inside to clean it.
Dino gave her the sign to call for Alice to help her. The girl was too afraid. She stood there saying nothing at all.
Dino knew Terry would be waiting to follow Alice out and ‘help’ her into the oven. He had to do something. He had to get Gretel to safety. Telling Hansel to stay put, he rushed forward and grabbed Gretel around the waist, lifting her up and running back to the woodpile.
Gretel let out a little squeak of surprise as she was picked up. The ultra keen ears of the witch heard her. She made her way to the front of the house in time to see a streak of red run past her. She was about to hit him with a hex when she was knocked over from behind.
Terry bowled into Alice, stopping her from casting the spell on Dino. She was stronger than she looked, as all witches are, and was soon fighting Terry to get him off her. Dino rushed to open the oven door just as Terry cried out. Alice had grabbed his wrist in her evil talons, burning his flesh.
Through his tears of pain, he saw the open oven door and managed to drag himself and Alice up off the ground. He pushed her towards the door with all his strength. With Dino’s help, they threw her into the oven and slammed the door shut.
There was a blood curdling scream, a ball of flame, and a cloud of black smoke, and Alice the witch was no more.
Inside the house, Dino found a chest of gold and jewels in the corner. There was more than enough for the woodcutter to pay Terry and him any fee they asked for and still leave them with enough to keep them in comfort for the rest of their lives.
They got back to the woodcutter’s cottage in no time at all. He was overjoyed to have his children back safe again. They tended Terry’s burns with a special balm the woodcutters first wife used to make.
He took his children far away from the cottage on the edge of the forest, and they lived happily ever after.
And what of Terry and Dino? They went back home to await their next assignment.