Once upon a time, on the far side of the world, there was a magical land, verdant forest, golden beaches and lush green valleys. The sun shone every day, the birds sang sweetly on the wing, and everything in the garden was rosy…. Except….
In a clearing at the edge of the forest, just where the rich green grass kisses the fine golden sandy beach, there was a ramshackle cabin made of driftwood. Sitting on the grass at the front of the cabin, their backs resting on the rough walls, their faces lifted towards the sun, sat two men. One was tall and broad, with long golden hair. The second was short and slight, with strange, almost reptilian eyes shielded with blue tinted glasses.
The smaller man was talking in an animated fashion to the taller man, whose sole purpose in life at that moment seemed to be to fall asleep in the heat of the afternoon.
“Jack, how can you ever forgive me for getting us into this predicament?”
“There, there, Stephen, do not take on so, it don’t signify,” Jack replied.
“But Jack, had I not been so rash as to lean out over the side of the jolly boat and loose my equilibrium, you would not have had to dive overboard to save me, and we would not have parted company with Surprise.”
“Brother, enough. We are on dry land, we are unharmed, we have fresh water nearby, and we shall be picked up by and by. Tom will have turned the ship about and will soon be seen on the horizon.”
“You have been saying this for days now, Jack. I deeply respect your confidence, but I fear that we may be lost.”
“Now Stephen, what’s all this? I have never seen you miss an opportunity to study strange flora and fauna given half a chance. I shall sit and ponder life’s mysteries, like where our next prize will come from…my agent’s fees are due, while you go off and enjoy yourself.”
So it was that as Jack sat mentally calculating the sorry state of his bank balance, Stephen headed off into the forest to explore.
The sun rose higher in the afternoon sky, and Jack, tired out from his musing, fell into a deep sleep. He was shaken back into consciousness by an over excited Stephen, shouting for Jack to see what he had found.
Jack hauled his not inconsiderable bulk to his feet, and smiled down benevolently at his friend, who thrust a clenched fist under his nose.
“Look brother, look. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life.”
Stephen slowly uncurled his fingers to reveal three iridescent blue/black beans.
“Ha, ha, ha,” laughed Jack, taking the beans from his friend. “We will not get fat on this veritable harvest.”
He nonchalantly threw the beans over his shoulder, much to his friend’s disgust.
Stephen opened his mouth to protest, when he was stopped in his tracks by a low rumbling coming from behind Jack.
The rumble grew to a roar, and the ground began to shake. Stephen fell to his knees, while Jack, his sea legs coming into play, turned on his heel and stood, his mouth agape, staring as the earth split open, and a stalk of prodigious proportions burst forth, heading up towards the heavens.
“Hells teeth!” exclaimed Jack when the plant had grown so high that it’s tip reached above the clouds. “Have you ever seen such a thing, Stephen?”
“Never in life, soul,” Stephen replied.
“Look at its girth, and how straight and true it grows. I am certain that we could make use of this for spares, if only we can fell it.”
“Jack no! You cannot think to cut this treasure to the ground without first surveying it.”
Jack looked at his friend and sighed. “Very well, Stephen. We would need to wait for Surprise to arrive to the extra man power.”
Stephen smiled back as his friend as he headed off towards the beanstalk.
“Come then, brother. There’s not a moment to lose.”
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Jack and Stephen stood side by side at the base of the beanstalk, gazing up its length. Jack smiled at the expression of pure joy written on his friends face.
Jack walked round the stalk, tapping it lightly as he went. “It seems solid enough, Stephen. Shall we begin?”
They slowly began their climb, made easier by the well spaced, sturdy wide leaves.
They had been climbing a while, when Jack realised he was alone. Looking down, he saw that Stephen had stopped and was staring at something.
Climbing back down , he saw the object of his friends interest. A birds nest, complete with the most beautiful shiny ivory eggs.
“Come, Stephen, we still have a long climb ahead of us.”
“I shall be but a moment, Jack,” Stephen replied.
“Stephen, I have know you to gaze for hours into an empty birds nest. I shudder to think how long an occupied one will claim your attention.”
“But Jack, does it not astound you to see such a mature nest in this new plant?”
“Aye, brother, this is truly a magical place. All the more reason to carry on with our exploration.”
Stephen reluctantly rejoined Jack in the ascent, and before too long, they had reached the summit. As their heads broke through the clouds, they saw a long narrow road leading to a very large house.
Standing by the door was a big, tall woman. Jack and Stephen walked slowly up to her and politely made a leg.
“Good afternoon ma’am,” said Jack. Just then his stomach growled loudly.
“Forgive my rudeness. My friend and I have not eaten for a long while. We were wondering if you could spare a morsel?”
“So, it’s food you want is it? Well, I don’t see why not. A couple of little boys like you won’t eat me out of house and home. Come along inside, but be quick, my husband is an ogre. He is due home soon and eats boys like you for a snack.”
The ogre’s wife led them inside and sat them at the kitchen table. She then placed a plate of new baked bread in front of them, along with a thick wedge of cheese and a flagon of ale.
When they had eaten their fill, Jack thanked her kindly for her hospitality.
The woman blushed, not being used to flattery.
“You’re more than welcome my dears. It’s a shame you can’t stay. I think I could get to like you.”
“Well my dear, all the nice girls love a sailor,” replied Jack, giving her a wink and his brightest smile.
The ogre’s wife blushed at the unaccustomed compliment. “I could keep him for a pet,“ she thought, but before she could reply, the ground began to shake under their feet.
“Goodness, it’s my husband. Quickly, let me hide you.”
She snapped them up in both hands and hid them in her giant oven.
The door burst open and the ogre stepped inside.
“Wife,” he roared. “I’m starving…feed me!” He sniffed the air, turned around and said, (insert comic French accent here)
“Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he alive or be he dead. I’ll grind his bones on my French bread.”
“Oh, husband. You are imagining things. It’s just the breakfast leftovers that you can smell. Go wash up and I’ll get your lunch ready.”
The ogre went off to wash up and Stephen carefully opened up the oven door.
“Come, Jack. The coast is clear.”
“No, no. Stay in there until my husband has had his lunch. He always falls asleep after he has his meal. It will be much safer for you to come out then.”
Stephen closed the oven door again, enclosed himself and Jack inside the dark, smelly oven.
After the ogre had eaten his lunch, he went to a large chest and took out two bags of gold, which he began to count. He hadn’t got very far when his head began to nod, and he was soon fast asleep.
Jack and Stephen crept out of the oven, and headed to the door. On their way past the table, Jack managed to grab hold of one of the bags of gold. He and Stephen then ran out of the house, along the road, and climbed down the beanstalk as quickly as they could.
When they were safely back in their little cabin, Jack laughed and slapped Stephen on the back with joy.
“Stephen, there is enough gold here to settle my debts, carry out the repairs on the house, treat Sophie and the children to something nice, and still leave enough to set you and I up for many a year to come.”
“That is all well and good, Jack, but it does little to solve our immediate problem, the lack of food.”
“Well, Stephen, the meal that delightful giant of a woman fed us will keep us going until the morrow. I will climb up again and ask her if she could spare us a few supplies from her ample stores.”
So it was that the following morning saw Jack making his was once again up the beanstalk.
“Take it slowly and steadily there, Jack. Remember now, you are not as young as you were, and you are most definitely getting broad across your beam,” said Stephen, smiling to himself at his nautical remark.
“Stephen,” Jack sighed. “My age nor my size have stopped me running the rigging of Surprise, and they will not stop me from climbing this plant!”
With a final frown of disgust at his friend, Jack headed up towards the house in the clouds.
On his way past the birds nest, he noticed that the shiny eggs from the previous day had now hatched, and he made a mental note to tell Stephen what was happening.
When he reached the top, he once again saw the ogre’s wife standing outside her door.
“Good morning to you, ma’am. What a pleasure it is to see you once again,” said jack.
“YOU!” cried the woman. “I didn’t think you would have the nerve to show your face around here again. Do you know anything about my husband’s missing bag of gold?”
“Well, I may just have some information about it, maybe we could work out a trade agreement. My friend and I are in need of some supplies.”
“You’d better come inside then. We can discuss it over some breakfast.”
Jack had barely begun to eat before he heard the thump! thump! of the ogre’s footsteps heading towards the house. The wife once again hid him in the oven.
Just as the previous day, the ogre came in, sniffed the air and said fee-fi-fo-fum, but his wife calmed him down with a breakfast feast of three broiled oxen.
“Wife, bring me my hen,” The ogre called as soon as he had finished eating.
His wife placed the hen on the table in front of him. “Lay,” The ogre said, and the hen immediately laid an egg of solid gold.
The ogre’s head began to nod, and soon he was asleep, snoring loud enough to shake the house.
Jack crept out of the oven, caught hold of the hen, and was away before you could shout, “Let fly!”.
Just before he reached the door, the hen let out a cackle, which woke the ogre. As Jack ran out of the house, he heard the ogre cry, “Wife, what have you done with my golden hen?”
“What do you mean dear?”
Jack heard no more as he was off down the road towards the beanstalk, and was climbing down to safety.
When he got back to the cabin, he placed the hen in front of Stephen with a satisfied smile.
Well, Jack. It looks like we eat tonight.”
“NO!” Jack shouted as Stephen went to grab the hen around the neck. “Watch.”
Jack looked at the hen and said, “Lay.” The hen laid another golden egg.
“Well, Joy. I can see why we won’t be having roasted fowl tonight. What a remarkable creature to be sure. But she doesn’t solve our food problem, unless you can now digest golden eggs.”
“Fear not, brother. I shall make another ascent in the morning watch and see what I can liberate from their larder.”
The following morning, Stephen watched yet again as Jack hauled himself up the ladder of leaves. A movement out to sea caught his eye. Turning to get a better view, he saw it was Surprise. He looked up at Jack and called out to him, but alas, he was out of earshot.
As jack climbed higher, he came to the birds nest. Glancing over at it, he noticed the chicks that had hatched the day before, were now all fledged and ready to fly.
“How I wish Stephen was here,” He thought.
On reaching the top, Jack thought this may not be the time to “go straight at ‘em”, so hid behind a bush off to the side of the house.
He didn’t have too long to wait until the wife came out of the house. As she headed off to the well to get some water, Jack slipped into the kitchen.
Just as he got inside, he heard the thump! Thump! Thump! Of heavy footsteps, and jumped into the copper to hide.
The ogre and his wife came into the kitchen.
“Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman. I smell him, wife, I smell him!” Shouted the ogre.
“Do you my love? Well, if it’s that cheeky sailor who stole your bag of gold and your hen that lays golden eggs, he’s bound to be hiding in the oven.”
They both rushed over and flung open the door, but the oven was empty, Jack wasn’t there.
The ogre’s wife patted him on the shoulder.
“There, there dear. It must have been the smell of the boy you caught last night. I cooked him up for your breakfast. It isn’t like you to mistake the smell of a cooked one for the smell of a live one.”
The ogre sat down and began to eat his breakfast, but every now and then he stopped and muttered, “But I could have sworn…” and he would get up and search the larder and the cupboards. Luckily for Jack, he didn’t check the copper.
When he had finished eating he called out to his wife.
“Wife, bring me my golden harp.”
She placed it on the table in front of him. “Sing!” he said, and the harp sang most beautifully. It continued to sing until the ogre fell asleep, and his snores were like thunder rumbling across the heavens.
Jack slowly raised the lid of the copper and climbed out. He crept silently over to the table, where he reached up and grabbed the silent harp, dashing with it towards the door.
But the harp cried out, “Master“” Master!” and the ogre woke up in time to see Jack run out of the door.
Jack ran as fast as his legs would carry him. The ogre would have caught him, but Jack had a head start, dodged from side to side, and knew just where he was heading.
When the ogre was less than 20 feet away, Jack vanished beneath the cloud. He got to the end of the road and looked down to see Jack climbing down the beanstalk for dear life. He didn’t trust the stem to take his weight, and while he hesitated, Jack got even more of a lead.
Just then, the harp cried out, “Master! Master!” The ogre was so angry at the loss of his harp, he swung himself down onto the beanstalk, which shook and groaned under his weight.
Down, down, went Jack. Down, down, went the ogre.
Jack was well ahead of the ogre, moving faster and much more sure footed. He looked down, hoping to see Stephen at the bottom, and saw not only his friend, but the smiling faces of Tom Pullings, Bonden, Calamy, Killick and most of the crew.
“Look lively, lads,” he called. “Make ready the axes!”
As soon as he was close enough, Jack jumped down to the ground, and the crew set to with the axes, chopping at the base of the beanstalk.
It shook with every blow of every axe. The ogre, realising what was happening, tried to climb back up to safety. Alas he wasn’t quick enough, and, as the mighty plant fell to the ground, the ogre was crushed under its stem.
The crew made short work of the stem, chopping it to length and shaping it for spares. Once all the spares were loaded, the crew had time to celebrate the safe return of their beloved Captain and Surgeon.
To thank them for their timely arrival and rescue, Jack gave each crewman a golden egg, each midshipman got two, and the officers, three. Enough wealth for them all to retire from the navy if they wanted, although each man knew they would stay with ‘Lucky’ Jack as long as he wanted them.
That night, as they set sail, beautiful music could be heard in the great cabin. Jack played his violin, Stephen his cello, and the golden harp sang along in perfect harmony.
Surprise sailed off into the sunset, heading for home, and a long life to be lived happily forever after.
