There’s a song that Michael Bolton sings that brings back memories of him, memories that I’ve tried to bury so deep inside that no one, not even I can ever find them again. I never play the song anymore but last night in the bar, someone punched the right numbers into the jukebox and instead of getting up and running away, I stayed and listened, the words haunted me.
Baby, show me what you feel
Come to me, show me something real
I need to know, I need you completely
Closer baby closer, come on let’s begin
Love is taking over, gotta let it in
Ooh I need to feel the heart of you
Need to reach the very deepest part of you
Can I touch you there,
Touch you deep inside
Can I touch your heart,
The way you’re touching mine
Can I touch you there,
Touch you deep within
Can I touch you there,
Can I touch you there
I closed my eyes and remembered, the words not spoken, the touch of his calloused hands on my body. With every word, my body ached for him.
Baby tell me with your eyes
Tell me every deep secret darling
Every deep desire, till you and I
Are making love completely
Closer baby closer, can’t be close enough
I can’t help the way I hold you
I just hunger for your love
I wanted to scream at them stop the music please! But I couldn’t, because then everyone would know just how much I needed you, wanted you. So I just sat there, quietly sipping my drink, and dying note by note.
And I need to feel the heart of you
Need to reach the very deepest part of you
All I wanna do is touch you baby
Touch the very soul inside of you
And I need to feel the heart of you
Need to reach the very deepest part of you
Let me be the one to show you
Just what love can do.
When it ended, I proceeded to get rip-roaring drunk and thanks to my good friends managed to get home and into bed without having done something totally disgusting. The next day at work, Abbie Glen, (my absolute best friend in the whole world) approached me warily. We did our usual thing, standing in front of the nurse’s station, trading insults.
“How’s the head, Red?”
I glared at him. “No thanks to you, it’s still there. Barely.”
He shrugged me off with an admonishing, “Hey, I wasn’t the one who decided to pull an all-nighter.”
With my glare sliding into a grin, I said, “Yeah.. ..well if you had been a real friend…”
Abbie smirked, “What, and miss a show like that? Sony Red, I woulda paid good money to see that one.”
I was just getting ready to let him have it when an aide interrupted with a message, “Angie, Nurse Chambers wants to see you and she said right now!”
“Okay, okay, Carol. Thanks and tell her I’m coming.”
“Yeah, well I’d like to be around to see that.” Abbie snorted.
“Jesus Abbie, give it a rest will you.” Giggling, I ran down the hall to find Nurse Chambers. I checked myself out, knocked and I heard her muted “Come in”, entering to find her standing at the window.
Without turning, she said, ìAngie, we have a situation here and as much as I hate to ask this of you, I just don’t have any other choice. We have a patient, in critical condition, and well.., some of the staff just donít want to get involved with him.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand, I mean it’s our job to heal. D. . .does he have Aids or something?”
She shook her head. “No, nothing like that. Angie, the young man is a skinhead. You know what a skinhead is? They’re wild, sometimes murderous degenerates, who have
no morals, no conscience. They’re unlike anything you could have known back home. It’s because of this I’m asking you to take him on-you haven’t lived here long enough to develop any preconceived notions about them.”
“I. . .I....” I didn’t know what to say to her. How could I tell her there’s no way I can even walk into that room? Not without telling her the truth. And how do I tell her the truth when I’m not even sure what the truth really is?
She turned looking at me for the first time. “Angie, are you alright? You look a little pale.”
I put my hand to my mouth. “Sorry... had a late night last night and I.. . .Nurse Chambers can you excuse me please?” Without waiting for an answer I dashed out of her office.
I just made it to the bathroom before throwing up. When I finally managed to get back to my feet and drag myself to the sink, I was shaking. The face in the mirror I didn’t recognize. With shaking hands, I turned on the cold water and splashed it on my face. What the hell do I do now?
“Angie, Angie!” Abbie’s voice, urgent and worried, “Are you all right in there? Angie let me in.”
“Go away.”
“No way. Come on, let me in, or I swear I’ll break down the door.”
“That’s right Abbie, make a scene. Let everyone know that something is going on. What’s it gonna take to get you to stop?”
“Just open the damned door, Angie!”
I opened the door and let him in.
A frown of concern marred his face. “What the hell is going on? You look like hell and don’t tell me it’s from last night. What the hell went on with Chambers?”
I told him and then stood back because I knew he was gonna blow and it’s never a pretty sight.
He leaned back against the door as if he needed support, the expression on his face both protective and indignant. “Are you crazy? No way are you going in there! Not now, not ever! I can’t believe you didn’t tell Chambers no already.”
I faced him angrily. |”How can I tell her no? She’ll want to know why and then what do I say?”
“Tell her you’re scared, tell her you’re sick-- hell make something up, but don’t do this, girl. Just, please don’t do this.”
He grabbed me in his arms and just wrapped me in a bear hug. Abbie’s been my own personal teddy bear since we were kids in a small sleepy town. My rock. Abbie, my kid brother, Johnnie, and I were known as the 3 Musketeers; and when we were doing really dumb things, as the 3 Stooges. See, Abbie loved me and I loved him. The only problem, I loved him like a brother and he loved me like a man loves a woman. It was our senior year of high school before he got up the nerve to tell me. It was a Friday night and we were riding around talking about our failed romances and he said, “let’s go out tomorrow night.” I said sure and then he dropped the bomb on me. He informed me he wanted it to be a date, that he wanted me for his girl. I just sat there with my mouth open; I never had a clue. I started to cry and Abbie got scared, pulled off the road, and pulled me into his arms. I tried to explain to him that I loved him more than anything but I loved him like a brother and that’s all we could ever be. He didn’t say anything for a long time and when he finally did. . .he broke my heart.
“Thatís not good enough anymore. Do you know what it’s like for me to stand around watching other guys dating you; being with you the way I want to be?”
I couldn’t do anything but cry. Abbie got mad and took me home. It was over a month before I heard from him again, the longest month of my life. I was sitting on the front porch swing when he pulled up in the driveway. He got out of his car and flashed that killer smile of his and I knew everything would be okay. I ran down the steps and jumped into his arms. He hugged me so tight and said “okay, if friends is the way it has to be then we’ll always be friends.” When my parents died, it was Abbie that held things together and then when I lost Johnnie to a gang, it was Abbie Glen who took care of me. We finished school and both got good jobs in the same clinic. Everything was going great but the pain of losing my brother just ate at me, so much so that I almost destroyed myself and the life I had built with Abbie. I put myself into such a stupid, dangerous situation and left Abbie to pick up the pieces again. He closed up the house; found us a new home and new jobs. So when he said “don’t do this” I knew he was right and I knew that it’s because he loves me that he was trying to protect me, but I also knew that I was not going to listen to him and I had to try to make him understand. I tried to tell him this was something that I had to do, to make a break with the past. Abbie didn’t want to listen, he kept arguing with me but finally he just gave it up.
“You’re really going to do this? There’s nothing I can say or do to change your mind?”
I nodded, my eyes locked on his. “I have to. If I’m ever gonna let go and make a new life for myself, then I have to do this. Besides, there is no way it could be any of them; they’re either dead or in prison for life. So don’t worry. It’ll be fine.” I gave him a shaky half smile.
Famous last words. I wasn’t sure that I believed it and I knew that Abbie didn’t. He still had me in that bear hold and I murmured that if he didn’t let me go, I was going to need a doctor for my ribs.
I finally pushed Abbie off me and headed down the hail to ICU. I had never walked so slowly, my heart was pounding so hard I could barely breathe. I got to the door and froze.... Like in one of those horror movies where the victim is about to open the door, not knowing what or who is on the other side but pretty sure that whatever it is, it’s not going to be good.
I finally gave myself a shake and a stern lecture. “This is ridiculous. There is nothing for you to be afraid of. Just open the damned door!”
I pushed the door open and slowly walked inside. The room was dimly lit but I knew it was him. Even with all the tubes running in and out of his body and the bandages, there was never a doubt in my mind. I crept silently to the bedside, tears pouring down my face.
I whispered his name. “Hando.”
He didn’t move; the only sounds were the sounds of the respirator and the beating of my heart. All the times that I wished he was dead, prayed for him to be dead, and here he was and my heart just broke. I stood there crying, how long I hadn’t a clue.
He moved and just that little flicker of life brought me back. I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands, took a deep breath, and picked up his chart. The prognosis wasn’t good. Knife wound to the neck, extensive loss of blood, swelling of the spinal cord. The kidneys had shut down due to extensive blood loss. Jesus, how had he survived this long? Would he make it and if he did, what quality of life would he have? With that wound in the neck, there was a good chance he could end up a quadriplegic or at the very least, never speak again. I loved his voice, even when he insisted on reading that Mien Kamph drivel out loud. I didn’t think that he could ever hurt me again but seeing him like this was unbearable.
I pulled up a chair and took hold of his hand. His hands, so big, so strong. I loved the way they felt on my skin, rough and abrasive, and yet so gentle when he would let himself be. Now they just felt cold.
I laid my head on the edge of his bed and cried. Wasn’t this the joke of the century? All this time I had wanted him dead, had prayed for this and now...
“Don’t die, please don’t die.” I sobbed. “There’s so much I need to tell you. Things I wanted to say but couldn’t, things that you never knew and wouldn’t have understood. Do you remember the night that we met?”
He thought it was just chance but chance had nothing to do with it. I had stalked him for two weeks and that night it was time to put my plan into action. I took great pains with myself that night, dressing to please him. My teal blue silk dress was short and tight enough to attract his attention but not enough to label me a whore. I took the same care with my makeup and hair. Watching him, I knew what he wanted when he went hunting and I wanted to make sure I was the woman he ended up with that night.
I could tell the moment he and his goons entered the pub. The atmosphere became charged, you could almost smell the fear. They made their way over to the bar it was almost like the Red Sea parting for Moses, the way people got out of their way. They yelled at the barkeep for beer and then he turned, surveying his domain. I could feel the heat from his eyes as they slowly roamed my body. I picked up my drink and took a sip, making sure that he was watching. I borrowed some money from Abbie Glen and walked over to the jukebox. I punched in two fast numbers and then my favorite slow song. Turning, I wiggled my finger at Abbie, knowing I could depend on him for a dance partner. And once we got on the dance floor, I made sure Hando watched. With Abbie, I felt safe enough to shimmy and shake that thang. I could be as outlandish as I wanted to be. Abbie just laughed and went along with it, teasing me about how the music brought out the wild child in me. We’d stayed out on the dance floor, stopping only to feed the jukebox, two fast and one slow.
I felt Abbie tense as I started to move into his arms for the third slow song. When I looked up into his face, he was staring over my shoulder and I knew the bait had been taken. Hando grabbed me just as I started to turn and pulled me tight against him. You couldn’t call it dancing, we barely moved. Neither of us said a word but we both knew how this night was going to end. I felt the heat emanating off his body and suddenly my panties were soaked and by the devilish grin that suddenly appeared on his face he knew it too.
At the end of the song, I started to go back to my table-but Hando grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the back of the pub.
“Angie!” Abbie yelled as he started after us.
“It’s okay, I’m okay.” I giggled looking up at Hando. “Big boy here will take care of me.”
The door had barely shut when he had me pinned to the wall, arms shoved up over my head, and his tongue down my throat, his tongue imitating the same rough lovemaking as his hips grinding against mine. I couldn’t catch my breath, couldn’t think. I didn’t want to think. He finally let go of my arms and somehow they ended up around his waist, trying to pull him in closer. His hands were busy working my dress up my hips and it wasn’t until I felt the cold air hit my ass that my brain went back to working. I shoved against him, trying to push him away.
“Stop, stop it right now.”
“What the bloody hell,” Hando bellowed. “What the fuck’s wrong with you? You’ve been advertising all night and now you say stop. Not bloody likely. Now shut your mouth before I put something in it.”
He grabbed me and pulled me up against him and before I had time to think, I’d slapped him. I don’t know who was more shocked, him or me. The look in his eyes told me that I was in deep shit. He grabbed my neck and slowly started to squeeze, all the time telling me in very explicit terms just what he was going to do to me.
“Please,” was all I could manage to whisper.
“You damn right you’re going to please me. Me and anyone else I give you to, do you understand?”
“Please, Hando let me explain,” I whispered taking hold of his hand with both of mine. If he didn’t let me go, I wasn’t going to have to worry about his threats, I’d already be dead. Not that I was too sure that would make much of a difference to that bunch of goons. He stood there a moment longer and just looked at me with those crazed eyes. And then he let me go so fast I almost hit the ground. In fact the only thing that kept me from hitting the ground was him.
“When I said stop, I meant stop out here. Maybe the women you usually go after like this but I’m not a whore and I don’t flick in alleys. When I make love to a man, it’s in a bed, a big bed, with soft sheets and candles burning everywhere. Just me and my lover, lots of deep wet kisses and sex, all we can stand all night long.”
I watched his face as I talked and I could see the rage slowly leave only to be replaced with a smirk.
He tilted his head and looked up at me with those eyes. “And I suppose you just happen to have that big bed and everything?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Are you up for it?”
He grabbed my hand and rubbed it up and down the front of his jeans. “What do you think?”
“I think we need to go find that bed, Hando,” I said laughingly as he pulled me close for one of his show stopping kisses.
We ran out of the alley and hailed a cab. I could hardly keep him off of me long enough to give the driver the address. The next thing I knew I was flat of my back on the seat of the cab and Hando had his hands under my dress trying to pull my panties off.
“Stop, don’t.”
“Aw come on, luv, just a taste,” Hando pleaded, his eyes wild with desire.
“No! I told you I’d do anything but in a bed, not in the back of a cab. Wait please, I promise you it will be worth it. Please.”
